Sunday, November 30, 2008

Fear Is What You Pay For Adventure

Evening ladies and gents. Its another night here in the fist bowl. I have been M.I.A for the last week or so and I apologize for the absence. I`m rounding the final turn of my 26th year of existence and the big day has me feeling a little unsure. The last year has certainly been the roller coaster ride of my life.

First, I quit my fast food life and began my new improved life in the fish bowl. After 6 and a half years working as a slave to the fast food gods I packed up and moved on to bigger and better things. I was beyond happy but still none the less scared to leave a job I`d been doing for most of my independent, adult life doing. Thankfully, the gamble paid off and I`m more then happy spending my time in the fish bowl.

Secondly, I have gained some amazing new friendships I never saw coming. The AMN by far falls under my favorite and most pleasant surprise in the last year. I never expected it, I never thought it would happen but damn I don't think I can live without it. On the other hand, it seems I have lost a few. I grew apart from one of my closest friends who I had grown up with due to the fact that our views have changed and sadly as I grew up, he got younger. I`ve said good bye to a few friendships I never thought I would. makes me sad.

And lastly, I`ve re prioritized my life. I`ve let go of the need to perform as Billy. I`ve taken a lot of him into myself. I have his confidence and guts and left behind his cockiness and disrespect. I`m happy with who I am and the choices I make. I may not always been right but damn I try.

I feel old now, but not in a bad way. I`m excited to see what my life is going to be like this time around...

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Trans Day of Rememberance

Well, its been a rough few days here. My kidneys have decided to kick me in the face again, and I am faced with another load of antibiotics. I`ve gotten used to this torment but seem to forget how crappy it can be when I`m not well. But who needs to hear about my kidneys.

Today is (or as of now, was) the trans day of remembrance. As someone who defy`s how the world thinks I should act or dress I feel a kinship with those who identify as trans. I don`t like to pigeon hole myself with labels, but when it is necessary I identify as gender queer. This term generally brings confusion to most. I define this term as anyone who fits out of their "gender norms," which can describe a number of people. This way I haven`t given myself a strict identity to follow and I m free to fluctuate in and out of that description.

I think that gender is a useless label in today's society. So few people follow 100% of their gender qualities that these stereotypes are outdated and futile. Gender neutral washrooms are the way of the future yet so few establishments choose to implement them. After 6 1/2 years in food service I can say with the utmost conviction that women and men are equally as unkempt in their day to day public rest room habits. I say get a bunch of stalls and let everyone be!

I remember back in a high school sex ed class one of my teachers spoke about nudity. He said, "If everyone covered their elbows and never showed them in public, then seeing someones elbow would be considered sensuous and prohibited." Isn`t gender the same? If everyone fluctuated within their "gender" to whatever they felt comfortable embodying then would their really be such huge to do when someone transitioned? Would there even be a reason to transition? Why do we have suck strict constraints on gender? And as well, why do people who fall outside of the box make so many people uncomfortable? Is there societies issues really with those who are "unidentifiable" or is it more a lack of comfort with ourselves?

In the year 2008 I feel it is deplorable that gay bashing and slander continues in north america. It is more understandable (but not any more acceptable) in under developed countries for people under the heading of LGBTA to be questioned. But in north america we face laws disallowing marriage right, slander, oppression and brutality. I stand by the point that we have made leaps and bounds over the last 3 or 4 decades, but still why are these actions still socially acceptable to a wide audience?

On this day of remembrance and every day before and after it, I stand by my transgender brothers and sisters, those lost and those to come. May we all stand undivided until the fight is over...

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

united states of whatever

I feel some days like the gay mecca. It feels like if something remotely gay happens in the world I must have an opinion. Of course I, more often then not, have some say it whats going on but not unless you ask me what I think. So generally when someone asks me what I think about a subject, it isn't to argue. I can look at both sides of a subject but when someone is obviously against something and in turn brings it up just to state that they are against something, I have an issue and I end up becoming defensive.
I feel like I am riding a roller coaster of late. I have high high`s and low low`s. This is in part why I don`t like attaching to people. Life is easier when you don`t let yourself care or attach to people around you. I`m a special person who attaches very deeply to certain people. I hold a deep and intimate loyalty for them and would pretty much do anything for them, that’s just the way I am. In the same aspect, when I loose someone I end up shattered. Hence my reluctance to let anyone in what so ever.
This roller coaster seems to run all the way to work. I was overlooked for a position (temporary but I digress) which was given to someone who I have known for 8 or more years. I am bitter and angry over this decision and find it even remotely impossible to be happy for this person. I refuse to help training bay what so ever while she is working there and find it angers me to the point where I am nauseous to see someone else doing what I should be doing. I`m at the point where I have no idea what more I can do for the bank, I already eat, sleep, breathe this place, in fact I bleed blue and gold. It all makes you want to not give a fuck and give up everything.
I feel that this last statement defines how I feel. Like packing it all in and giving up, to stop the effort and just let it all go to hell. Anyone want to join me?