Thursday, November 8, 2012

Is it getting better? Or do you feel the same? Will it make it easier on you now? You got someone to blame

Evening gentle viewers. Its a cold, dark evening hereand I hope this finds you happy, healthy, loved and above all safe.

I watched a bizarrely entertaining movie that has inspired me to write today. I saw Cloud Atlas and I am still struggling to understand how I feel about it. I walked out feeling puzzled... depressed... but inspired none the less. Take a moment to watch the trailer (Cloud Atlas Trailer).

Having watched the movie I can't help but think about reincarnation and the concept that some of the people that we meet have been around us much longer than we can imagine. In the same retrospect, when out relationship with certain individuals end that connection is severed and will never be rekindled. We have all felt, in meeting someone, that we have known that person before. We feel that instant connection right from first contact. We feel a pull that can only come from a place where we have built a relationship. Or does it? Could we explain this bond simply by having a great deal in common with this individual or simply "clicking?" It's difficult to really explain this connection, just as difficult as it is to prove past lives exist. Have we experienced this world in another time and place? Even more so, could those previous experiences frame our choices and reactions in this life? It's interesting to think we can carry residual energies from another life.

So what does that mean in reference to our present interactions and relationships. I find it difficult to believe that we meet anyone by luck or chance. The worlds population is so big for all this to be random. I truly believe that those around us are meant to be in our lives for at least a certain amount of time. They influence us in many different ways and in varying degrees. We learn from them and them from us. When we meet the person and find ourselves instantly connecting with the. I feel that there must be a reason behind that connection. Be it in the physical attraction, the emotional connection or a profound sense of knowing that person, something tells you that this bond is based on something deeper.

Please don't think that I have some deluded idea that there is some bearded man sitting on a cloud moving us all through time and space like cosmic chess pieces. I do however think that life is somewhat like a "name your own adventure" book where our path changes based on choices and our interlocking relationships are part of that path. We may be meant to cross paths, it just may not be for many lifetimes. But I truly look forward to that moment when our pathes do cross....

“Our lives are not our own, we are bound to others, past and present. And by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future.”

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Some day, when I'm awfully low/When the world is cold/I will feel a glow just thinking of you/And the way you look tonight

Good evening to you all. As always I hope this finds you happy, healthy and loved. I wanted to take a moment to send out a huge thank you to those who read, commented and shared my post about Michele. It meant a lot that I could share why she was so important to so many of us. Pain shared is pain lessened.

So what could I possibly talk about today? Well I am presently in the early days of an incredibly fun detox (insert sarcasm) that I do twice a year, so I feel its appropriate to talk about something that would bring me happiness (because food sure isn't) love.

I have thought a lot about the subject. Its a word we use loosely with acquaintances, it can be something we only whisper during a private moment or the ultimate goal in life. Love is what you make of it. It isn't wrong, its isn't always easy to come by and it is absolutely something to cherish.

So what does it take to find love? Our standards are so different. Not everyone gives or receives love so easily. Hell, not everyone believes love exists. Love, in my humble opinion, doesn't happen over night. Yes I truly believe that you can feel this deep connection with someone right from the onset however love is something that grows over time. Love is knowing someone, the good and the bad, and accepting them. Love is that moment where you know you could live without them, but wouldn't want to even if your life depended o it. It just works.

Now don't get me wrong. Love is not perfect. It isn't always hugs and puppies by any means. We all fight, say stupid things or get grumpy because of a silly detox and sugar cravings. (Good god save me!!) It's completely normal. Love doesn't happen when or with whom you would expect. You can't force yourself or anyone else to love. You never know when that love bug will bite. All you can do is hang on for dear life and hope it all works out.

All this to say, my only advice, don't fight love. Its a cold, hard world out there and its much more fun to face it with someone else. Like I said, a pain shared is a pain lessened.

As always, be good to yourselves, keep your head up and dance your ass off!

Thursday, September 27, 2012

I'm gonna live my life/ Like every day's the last/ Without a simple goodbye/ It all goes by so fast

Good evening gentle viewers. As always I hope this finds you happy, healthy and loved. It's late here in my little bubble and I find sleep something I that alludes me tonight. It's been a busy few weeks and it seems my brain just won't power down this evening. I have been wrestling with many blog posts these last weeks. Since baring everything for my "coming out" post I have found it difficult to commit to writing. Well that was until tonight it seems.

As the clock ticks closer to midnight and a new day, I am left reflecting on loss. And I know I am not the only one doing that. Tonight, a handful of friends and colleagues are doing the same. For a few of us September 28th is a day that will forever be engraved in our minds. Despite the 4 years that we have seen passed, this is a wound that will never heal. This day only amplifies the pain and reminds us of what was lost. We are also reminded that life is precious and that we should value each breath. We, collectively, try to pass on the same message and influence the world in the way that it was done before the tragic loss 4 short years ago.

Grief is a twisted emotion. It is the physical equivalent to being run through with a sword. It is subjective to each one who feels it. Some contain the feelings and move through its stages with the appearance (however often not the reality of) ease. Others must share the pain in order to recover from the turmoil within. Neither reaction is wrong and both are completely natural. No matter what our coping entails what truly defines our perseverance is how we rise from the ashes like the Phoenix. It's how we use our grief to change the world around us for the positive. It is how we never forget our fallen.

I never use the name of a "real life" person that I refer to within the hallowed walls of this blog. I choose to do so based on privacy and respect for those I work with or spend time with. My one exception has been and will always be Michele. Her name deserves its place in the history that is our lives. We will always spend September 28th remembering the loss and deal with our grief. However we who use the other 364 days to celebrate her life, her message and do our best to continue to positively change the world as we know it. She will always live on in our memories and our hearts. Her story will continue to be written just now with a different pen and on many different pieces of paper. The memory of her laugh, smile and passion will remain forever. Her legacy will live on.

So tonight I emplore you to do a few simple things...

Live and love like today is your last...
Do not wait for the world to change you, you have the power to change everything you set you mind to. Change can be contagious.
Do not let fear get in the way of your happiness 
And always smile, you never know who is watching

Michele, wherever you are, we love you and miss you. Shake that little bum bum for us...

Do not stand at my grave and weep 
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die. 

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Hear me now here and now/I’m calling Memories wear me out/And this seems too complicated/When all I want is a part of you

I am not sure why I wanted to write this as much as I seem to want to. I have a feeling this came to life to share some side of my soul. I may not always be as open as people around me may want. As much as I am out and not shy about my sexuality I feel like there is a part of me that will always remain hidden. There are those that only pretend to understand and others that think they do, but don't.

I am not always eloquent enough to put this into words. I have chosen a few things that may help clarify my point. Maybe it will make things more clear or maybe it will muddy the waters even more. To those this is meant for, I know you know who you are...
(Links highlighted in bold)

Butch/Boi and loving it - Baby Butch: A Love Letter from the Future
In today's day and age it's a general rule that no one wants to be stereotyped or pigeonholed. However, we all have a need or desire to belong. Throughout my 30 years on this planet I have never felt as close a connection than to that of my butch brethren. I love the connection between a butch and a femme (or a feminine woman.) I appreciate the dynamic they have. The sway of a woman, the way she completes her butch partner, the way she, and only she, can sooth the darkness you feel. I see how some men treat women today and I can do nothing but cringe. Open a door once and a while! Treat her not only with respect but reverence. 
Why the above video speaks to me so personally is because so many people have lost any notion of that dynamic. They may be a "butch/femme" couple but have no understanding of what that signifies and that a twisted and horrific past has given us this privileged life. So few people know that being butch is far more then the way you dress. Its in the way you walk, its in a firm proud hand shake, its in how you love the woman you are with and how your understand her boundaries and she understands yours. Its in understanding the power you can wield in both your words and actions. To quote Buffy (and oddly I really think this works) "It's like, it's like flirting in code. It's using body language and laughing at the right jokes and, and looking into her eyes and knowing she's still whispering to you, even when she's not saying a word. And that sense that if you can just touch her, just once, everything will be okay for both of you." (everything can be solved by Buffy) 

This piece moves me on so many levels. Not only does it explore the relationship between butch and femme but it also looks closely at the idea of not fitting into the world around you. When I go to the grocery store, riding the metro, using a restroom, generally living my life, I am always scrutinized closely. Am I man? A woman? A dyke? A threat? What am I... That's what the world is thinking. Its difficult to let anyone see how vulnerable you get in those situations let alone "save you" and that is why we build walls. Those walls that protect us sometimes come between us and our loved ones. It keeps the world out but also doesn't let any of the good in. It takes a strong and patient soul to bring us out from that dark place which makes us love those kind souls even more. I don't think I could say it better than this: To all the kick ass femmes out there, because you make us feel whole again.

Creating a path that someday may be followed - So The Story Goes

When I came to terms with the fact that I was gay it was a very difficult passage. When I began to question my sexuality I soon found that there was no where to turn. Information was scarce and the concept was still a mystery to me. I went to a dark place where I did nothing but wallow in what was and what wasn't. I had no idea what my new world was going to be or whether I would be welcomed now that I became an "other." It was 3 months of being lost, unsure where to turn or what options I had. 3 months of wondering if my family and friends would disown me (which was a very real possibility.) I had no place to look to, no one who had taken this path that I knew. I felt very much alone. After I came out I vowed that if I could make life easier for one person, if one person could look at me and say, "If she can do it I can do it," then every negative experience, threat, attack or slur has been for a good reason. And maybe one day someone will look to me as an elder and I had help them down that path we all call life.

Today, on my 10 year anniversary of coming out, I want to dedicate this post to those past, present and future who have helped mold me into the queer woman I am today and will continue to grow to be.

To the few people who I know have held me up all those years, you let me be vulnerable. Thanks you.
To those queer soldiers who make this world better and try to educate everyone (Ivan Coyote, Sapphogrrl, S. Bear Bergman) it is likely I will never meet you but you have all changed my life, and make the world a better place, thank you for continuing this struggle.
To those close to me at work, who may not always understand my plight, but listen, give productive feedback and keep me sane. You are an amazing group of people.
Those kind souls from Tip of the Tongue I met when I was a baby butch. You showed me the way and gave me a great idea of who I wanted to grow into.
Finally, to those I keep closest. I know you know who you are (and if you don't I need to tell you more.) I love you, cherish you, appreciate your friendship and your support. You help me continue to fight.

To those new baby dykes and femmes out there.... don't ever give up, you will change the world!

Friday, July 20, 2012

I want to kiss you/Does he want you with the pain that I do/I smell you in my dreams/But now when we're face to face you won't look me in the eye/No time no friendship no love/Don't say don't touch you/I can't touch you no more/Can't touch you any more any more/I don't touch you anymore

Evening to all you amazing people out there. As always I hope this finds you happy, healthy and safe.

I have been thinking of you all alot lately. I have started so many posts to you all but have fallen short in having anything good to share. Lets hope this one makes it to the light of day.

In just under 2 weeks it will be 10 years since that faithful day that I said 3 words thats changed my life: I am gay. In all honesty it was actually 5 words (said in true buffy fashion): I think I'm kinda gay. The first just has more power. It was one of the more terrifying and liberating moments I have ever experienced (followed closely by buying my first 3 piece suit!) In the last 10 years I have been able to grow from that timid little baby butch into the confident suave boi/butch I am today. It has been a bumpy ride and at times I was not sure the fight was worth it but despite everything I survived.

I don't hide who I am ever. I wear my men's suit with pride daily, swagger in my step, head high. I don't make excuses for my life and expect respect from those around me. I don't feel, in todays day and age, that I have to be anything other than myself. So you can understand my surprise and disbelief to learn that my mother at no point in the last 10 years has felt it is important to tell my family that her oldest daughter is a happy, healthy lesbian. She would rather tell my family that my sister is dating a doctor more than 15 years her senior who has 3 children and who my sister very possibly destroyed his marriage. (well my mom doesn't really talk about the ruining of the marriage but everything else is fair game.) My dating women is so shamefull that adultery so more socially acceptable... WOW! I can't help but feel a little insulted. (You should have seen my face when I found out!)

Where have we fallen short in life? Why is it that having a gay child is still something viewed as shameful. Personally I am not hurting anyone by loving someone with the same anatomy. As far as I am concerned as long as I am healthy, happy and respected then their really shouldn't be any issue. Frankly, I shouldn't be loved any less because I am a lesbian. I don't expect my family to understand me, they never have and never will, however I do expect them to be proud of my successes and that includes a healthy relationship.

So parents who may be reading this. Love your gay kids. Don't risk alienating them and possibly loosing them because you think this is a choice or a punishment for something you or they did. We aren't all that different from you...

Saturday, June 30, 2012

And I would be the one/To hold you down/Kiss you so hard/I'll take your breath away/And after I'd/wipe away the tears/Just close your eyes dear

Morning to you all. I write you sitting in a clinic on an early Saturday morning. Sitting here waiting I cannot help but feel anxieties. Yes, not feeling well is already an unpleasant experience. When I sit here I cannot but worry about every unkind experience I or anyone who falls under a "gender confusing" heading has had. It doesn't mean that today's experience will be bad, that I will have to defend myself or god forbid be mistreated. What causes the fear is the potential that something bad may happen. What makes matters worse in my opinion, is that I have it easy compared to other people I know. It makes me feel for my gender bender/trans brothers and sisters out there.

 Those of you who have never experienced any of these fears may think its odd that something as menial could strive fear into anyone's hearts. I genuinely wish it didn't. I have had to defend my gender on more than one occasion and have been treated like a second class citizen more than once. So when I find myself in pain and wanting to have someone qualified help make things better I find it difficult to trust medical professionals (other than my family doctor who I trust with my life but an appointment with her would take months.) It makes you paranoid at times. Makes you see things that may or may not be happening. Did she look at my funny or does he think they made a mistake on my medical/hospital card? It's a frustrating experience that leaves me anxious. 8 out of 10 times nothing happens. It's those 2 times that I fear. I am alone in these appointments and have no one to rely on when I am vulnerable. I am not one to need someone's defending until I find myself in this kind of situation. For lack of any better description, it's scary. Those 2 incidents will scar you, put you on the defense and make you wary in every other similar situation. It will make you doubt yourself as well as the humanity in others. It can make you put off seeking medical attention which can result in things becoming worse.

I flash to scenes from "stone butch blues" and the those unimaginable horrors that befell my comrades only 40 years ago. It makes me sick to know how people were treated but also proud far we have come.

This turned out to be one of the good experiences thankfully. Add one for the good guys today. It gives me a little faith hat things may change. It won't take away all my worries but it will quell my anxieties for one day. I guess that's all I can ask for.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

What if I wanted to fight/Beg for the rest of my life/What would you do?/You say you wanted more/What are you waiting for?/I'm not running from you

Why do we choose the path we do? What defines our choices and our actions? Where do we draw the line? When is enough really enough? What are you willing to sacrifice? Life can be take you on unexpected road. How will you make your choices?

I find life to be surprising. I feel like I dont know what to expect from one moment to another. I have given up any concept of planning because anything I think will happen often doesnt and what I never fathomed sometimes becomes a reality. How would you prepare for something unprepareable?

I have thought a lot about how different paths change our lives. Could any interaction however small, change the course of your life forever? I regret some choices and wish for others. I look back on why I didnt act on certain things when I had the chance. I also appreciate some of the roads I traveled down. They have made me the person I am today. Have you ever realized you could have had something and wished you had taken a different path? Where do you think it could have brought you. Would that place be better or worse than where you are now. I can't help but think of missed opportunities and connections over the years. I think of my friend who 3 years ago found herself in the way of a car and in one split second was taken from us all. What would it have took to deviate her life? What put her in that cars path?

I know I have asked alot of questions today, I hope it helps you reflect of life. All this to say, take in each moment. Things can throw you in an instant. Try new things, what you like may surprise you. Trust your gut and take a chance, you may like where it leads you.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

I've been living so long with my pictures of you/That I almost believe that the pictures are

Happy late night to you all. As always I hope that you are happy, safe and healthy. Due to the knowledge that there are peope out there who read my insanity who I also see on a daily basis I feel somewhat responsible to update more often. I will also take this opportunity to tell my very animated friend "B Bear" that she needs to get to blogging so that we can all have written proof of both her insanity and awesomeness. You knw you wanna! It's summer (and I use that term lightly since I have had to abandon my car for a life raft to get to work) and I am faced with very little queer television characters for entertainment. What's a suave dyke to do you might ask? Well gentle readers I have been sucked into the 50 shades of grey world that has taken hold of colleagues and friends alike. What is 50 shades you at ask. I answer that question with yet another question, how are you recovering from that coma you have been in for the last 6 months? These books are the most over exposed, over hyped, addictive piece of brain roat I have ever read and I can't put it down. It's like watching a train crash, you know it's going to end badly but you just can't look away. To make this worse is that it ks very hetero. If you are looking for anything gay don't pick up this book unless you plan on imagining Christian Grey and Christine Grey who probably looks very much like Bette from the L word. So what drags me in? It's sad to say but our main characters ingage in very tame kinky fuckery. No I don't consider their play to be intense, provocative or eye opening. I do however find myself hoping that Christan grows some balls and actually plays with Ana and in turn she is gagged and shuts he hell up. Yes at times it's easy to get caught up in the romantic kinkiness, however it's infuriating to watch the male lead become a pussy cat and loose any edge. My frustration with this story comes from the fact that it was originally published online as twilight AU fanfiction. (don't judge ok) And I can't escape the feeling of this being a rip off of someone elses equally horrible literary contribution. I am also faced with constantly picturing twilight characters in the throws of passion, something no human being should have to picture. There is also the angle that the author used fanfiction (which is 100% none profit) to build a fan base, then retract that body of work only to rename characters and sell it. I personally feel its pretty unfair to do something like that. And yet I, like so many people, can't put this infernal book down. Before picking the books up I was shocked that so many people were interested in a book that showcased kink. I wondered when kink became such a mainstream thing that housewives and teenagers alike found a kinship in this book. Once I started reading it the answer became abundantly clear, 50 shades of grey is "vanilla kink." It's the most minimal aspects of kink used make people feel part of a demographic they will probably never understand. It the poly/bdsm communities this book is nothing but a laugh. All this to say, I will finish reading this ridiculous book at some point, which I feel is most peoples feelings. Honestly, if you are reading it for the kink, save yourself the time. If you are some suppressed housewife then read on mama. If you are somewhere in between, you will either love it or hate it.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Is it still me that makes you sweat?/Am I who you think about in bed?/When the lights are dim and your hands are shaking as you're sliding off your dress?

First let me start this blog by thanking all my readers as I have hit over 500 views. Its a milestone I never expected to hit. Second I want to thank a friend for her support and intelligent questions. For her protection she will forever be known as Fabulous J, I know you know who you are, thank you for being a breathe of fresh air!

Frustration: feeling of dissatisfaction, often accompanied by anxiety or depression, resulting from unfulfilled needs or unresolved problems.

Frustration is, well frustrating. Its like being caught between a rock and a hard place. Trapped between your heart and your mind. It truly is a shitty place to be. What makes that feeling worse is when its caused by someone, or worse someone you care about. It is so simple to confuse being loved and cared about with being used. When you truly want something it is easy to let yourself believe its real. You can tell yourself something a million times but that wont make it true. Nor will it make the impossible possible.

What dictates our choices. What drives us to take chances or live life carefully. What pushes us to jump off that ledge when we know its nothing but a free fall afterwards. I think life already contains a decent amount of risk so why not throw caution to the wind and live a little. Stop hiding behind fake beliefs that you use as excuses. Stop doing things because society tells you anything else is wrong. Stop doing whats safe, its boring and you will likely wake up one day filled with regrets.

I don't want to seem angry tonight with all of you amazing people. It just seems like I get the short end of the stick. I get the best mix of brush offs (If you were a guy I would so be into you... you would make a perfect boyfriend...) ladies I am going to make this abundantly clear: I AM NOT A MAN. Yes I look fine in a suit and I can tie my tie better then your husband, but shit or get off the pot, I am not to be teased. Haven't you ever heard the saying "don't poke the bear" well that goes for us awesome dykes as well.

Sorry for the rants tonight people. I am just in a rut. I leave you with the funniest thing I have seen in a while:

I can be your gayfriend:

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Girl you got me tripping on sunshine/God knows you just made my day/Since you came around no/I just can't slow down, no/I wanna see you walk in my way

Happy late night gentler viewers. As always I hope this late winter evening finds you well, safe and content with life. I hope that wherever you are and whatever you are doing, you are surrounded by love.

Its a late night before another week and I am feeling pensive. So many things around me have elicited many the different emotions within my poor overworked brain. Life, as always, continues to keep me on my feet.

I find it easy to get lost in the "safe" world that is my workplace. After over four years within these hallowed walls I have become almost desensitized to the outside world. (Well from 7 to 3 during the week anyway.) My travel time to and from work is generally my time to decompress that I don't really have enough cognitive ability to realize anyone else exists. However, once deep in the real world, without my armor, its hard to avoid the snickering and staring. Its also easy to move into a defensive mode, interpreting any reaction as being violent and fueled by ill intent. That natural instinct to be prepared, at any cost, to defend yourself can lead to a very dark paranoia where misinterpretation can easily happen. Whether mistaken or not any reaction can make put someone on the defense.

I am going to keep this short and sweet my friends. Be strong and carry on.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Do you know what's worth fighting for?/When it's not worth dying for?/Does it take your breath away and you feel yourself suffocating?

Afternoon gentle viewers. I hope this new year finds you happy, safe and in a good place. I have to apologize for my absence these past few months, and as I have promised before (and not always followed through on) I will do everything in my power to write more often.

I have been finding inspiration in a few people and situations around me. Little things or situations have rekindled my passion to write again, somewhat out of frustration but also to help educate.

Living a life "different" from societal norms is never easy. What can be even more difficult (and frustrating) is to live a life where you constantly have to prove or defend yourself to others. Imagine identifying as one things to yourself and having everyone else in your life see you a different way. What defines you more, how you perceive yourself or how others perceive you? What is the long term impact on someones mental stability when they have to fight these perceptions daily?

"I know why they call them labels/because you have to fit a label now to fit a label - Watsky."

Labeling anyone is a double edged sword. You will find those who like the idea of fitting into a label, as long as its a label of their choosing and not the stereotype they are being forced into. For me personally, I like fitting in with a larger entity. It elevates the feeling of being alone. For others, the thought of having to fit into a label means having to conform to a societal norm.

What happens when society views and personal views contradict? What supersedes the other? When your outside appearance is different from how you identify you are forced to defend yourself and your "choices." On one hand you have the ability to change others views on that identity, on the other hand you are also the only "model" for that identity and become the frame work for that "model." However, does it all become too much? I can only image the kind of stress and frustration that comes with constantly having to fight to defend and prove how you identify.

What can we do to make this all a little easier? For starters, stop assuming! It does not only "make an ass of u and me," but also forces everyone else to have to change your assumptions. Is that a guy or a girl.... assumptions! Is that chick butch or femme.... assumptions! Is that guy gay.... assumptions! That butch only dates femmes.... say it with me: assumptions! We have to get away from this mind set. Live and let live people! We will all be healthier for it. Beauty is everywhere and we need to enjoy it!!!!