Thursday, August 2, 2012

Hear me now here and now/I’m calling Memories wear me out/And this seems too complicated/When all I want is a part of you

I am not sure why I wanted to write this as much as I seem to want to. I have a feeling this came to life to share some side of my soul. I may not always be as open as people around me may want. As much as I am out and not shy about my sexuality I feel like there is a part of me that will always remain hidden. There are those that only pretend to understand and others that think they do, but don't.

I am not always eloquent enough to put this into words. I have chosen a few things that may help clarify my point. Maybe it will make things more clear or maybe it will muddy the waters even more. To those this is meant for, I know you know who you are...
(Links highlighted in bold)

Butch/Boi and loving it - Baby Butch: A Love Letter from the Future
In today's day and age it's a general rule that no one wants to be stereotyped or pigeonholed. However, we all have a need or desire to belong. Throughout my 30 years on this planet I have never felt as close a connection than to that of my butch brethren. I love the connection between a butch and a femme (or a feminine woman.) I appreciate the dynamic they have. The sway of a woman, the way she completes her butch partner, the way she, and only she, can sooth the darkness you feel. I see how some men treat women today and I can do nothing but cringe. Open a door once and a while! Treat her not only with respect but reverence. 
Why the above video speaks to me so personally is because so many people have lost any notion of that dynamic. They may be a "butch/femme" couple but have no understanding of what that signifies and that a twisted and horrific past has given us this privileged life. So few people know that being butch is far more then the way you dress. Its in the way you walk, its in a firm proud hand shake, its in how you love the woman you are with and how your understand her boundaries and she understands yours. Its in understanding the power you can wield in both your words and actions. To quote Buffy (and oddly I really think this works) "It's like, it's like flirting in code. It's using body language and laughing at the right jokes and, and looking into her eyes and knowing she's still whispering to you, even when she's not saying a word. And that sense that if you can just touch her, just once, everything will be okay for both of you." (everything can be solved by Buffy) 

This piece moves me on so many levels. Not only does it explore the relationship between butch and femme but it also looks closely at the idea of not fitting into the world around you. When I go to the grocery store, riding the metro, using a restroom, generally living my life, I am always scrutinized closely. Am I man? A woman? A dyke? A threat? What am I... That's what the world is thinking. Its difficult to let anyone see how vulnerable you get in those situations let alone "save you" and that is why we build walls. Those walls that protect us sometimes come between us and our loved ones. It keeps the world out but also doesn't let any of the good in. It takes a strong and patient soul to bring us out from that dark place which makes us love those kind souls even more. I don't think I could say it better than this: To all the kick ass femmes out there, because you make us feel whole again.

Creating a path that someday may be followed - So The Story Goes

When I came to terms with the fact that I was gay it was a very difficult passage. When I began to question my sexuality I soon found that there was no where to turn. Information was scarce and the concept was still a mystery to me. I went to a dark place where I did nothing but wallow in what was and what wasn't. I had no idea what my new world was going to be or whether I would be welcomed now that I became an "other." It was 3 months of being lost, unsure where to turn or what options I had. 3 months of wondering if my family and friends would disown me (which was a very real possibility.) I had no place to look to, no one who had taken this path that I knew. I felt very much alone. After I came out I vowed that if I could make life easier for one person, if one person could look at me and say, "If she can do it I can do it," then every negative experience, threat, attack or slur has been for a good reason. And maybe one day someone will look to me as an elder and I had help them down that path we all call life.

Today, on my 10 year anniversary of coming out, I want to dedicate this post to those past, present and future who have helped mold me into the queer woman I am today and will continue to grow to be.

To the few people who I know have held me up all those years, you let me be vulnerable. Thanks you.
To those queer soldiers who make this world better and try to educate everyone (Ivan Coyote, Sapphogrrl, S. Bear Bergman) it is likely I will never meet you but you have all changed my life, and make the world a better place, thank you for continuing this struggle.
To those close to me at work, who may not always understand my plight, but listen, give productive feedback and keep me sane. You are an amazing group of people.
Those kind souls from Tip of the Tongue I met when I was a baby butch. You showed me the way and gave me a great idea of who I wanted to grow into.
Finally, to those I keep closest. I know you know who you are (and if you don't I need to tell you more.) I love you, cherish you, appreciate your friendship and your support. You help me continue to fight.

To those new baby dykes and femmes out there.... don't ever give up, you will change the world!