Wednesday, September 9, 2015

I could make you happy/I could make you love me/I could disappear completely/I could be your love song/I could be long gone

Image result for enough is enough

Morning gentle viewers, I hope that this finds you happy and healthy and that life continues to take you to the places you dream of. Thanks as always for staying with me on this journey.

I will preposition this post by telling you I am a little touchy these passed few days and I have no doubt that that will bubble over into my writing. So this is my formal apology to you all. I hope you know I still love you all.

Life isn’t always rainbows and puppies and it’s often much more razors and barbed wire. It often doesn’t really show us the big plan until we are waist deep in it. No matter what it leaves us asking why we were put there in the first place.

I can put on a good front most of the time; I can keep my cool, look and sound like the most positive person alive and no one would know any different. People always come to me for advice or to vent and I am always the one to drop everything for them. I notice at the drop of a hat if something is wrong with them, if they have had a bad day or are upset. I give 110% to take care of them, even spend my own money on things that I know will make them feel better. I believe in chivalry, genuine caring and support. But what do I get in return? I am always the one to start conversations, lead the friendship and take care of things. If I don’t message first… radio silence. If I don’t go visit… its days if not weeks before I see them. What it comes down to is that when I need someone, no one is there. And I am tired of it. Every time I give a little of myself to someone it hurts all the more when they let me down. And every once and a while when someone comes along and I think, “Hey they might be different,” well they crash and burn into a fiery oblivion, taking a piece of my heart with them.      

Why do we continue to put ourselves out there only to be pummeled by the universe? What is the point of the pain and the disappointment we feel over and over again? I really wish I knew. I wish I understood what possesses me to care anymore. I just want to leave people to fend for themselves and see just how hard it actually is out there. And after all this I know the reality. I know that I am going to go right back to being their puppet the minute they throw a bone my way. I am inevitably going to continue to be their punching bag because atleast that means I have them around…. Pretty fucked up if you think about it.

So in the end I sit here angry and alone, really tired of all the bullshit. I hurt a lot of late and no one really looks passed the jokes and the forced smile. I kind of wish I was worth that atleast.

Later all. Hoping life is being a bit kinder to you right now. 

Thursday, August 27, 2015

"I want you to notice/When I'm not around/You're so fucking special/I wish I was special/

Afternoon gentle viewers. As always I apologize for the time between posts. Life continues to be busy. But fear not, inspiration is always lurking around the corner.

It's been an amazing few months. I have had the opportunity to be featured in the Montreal Gazette, have helped lead 250 employees (friends and family) down Rene Levesque Boulevard in our annual pride parade (in 40 degree heat so I may have been hallucinating and really marched up and down my living room, no one will ever know.) Outside of my awesome little bubble the world continues to turn and I hope for the best. As marriage equality has finally hit the United States I am glad that my queer counterparts now enjoy the same rights we have for the last 10 years. Although they may have a few kinks to work out, they are well ok their way.

Despite the advances in LGBT rights that we have seen it's disappointing to see the lack of education and awareness around two of those lovely letter of the LGBT rainbow: bisexuality and transgender. Both very different, one considered the "invisible" member of the pack and the other (more often than not) quite visible but not accepted. Both of these touch my life quite closely, in different ways, and it hurts to know that pain people under these umbrellas face. As someone who is very out, so much so I can't hide my sexuality, I literally wear it on my sleeve I feel for those who have to come out over and over again. Bisexuality isn't a faze yet there are those who treat it as such - a stop on the way to boy/girl town. It's viewed at times as a not really existing. Coming out for me was a proud moment and one I don't shy away from, but I don't have to do it every day, my outward appearance does it for me. I feel for you my friends who have to...

Trans rights are something I am passionate about. Despite not being trans I do for on the more "out there" gender scale so I get a taste of their reality. You are strong souls who are often misunderstood. There is still so much education that needs to be done in their field. People die daily for just being themselves. As someone that has had to defend my use of a woman's bathroom on occasion I don't know how I can't handle that 24/7. Standing with you to fight and educate is an honour.

I consider myself lucky to be surrounded by such a strong support system, both in and out of work. So if you are someone in that circle, thank you for letting me be me!

Until next time, be safe and be well.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Sing to me something strong, sad and delicate

I haven't written in a while and I am sorry for that. Its amazing how life gets away from you and how quickly time passes. I am going to try and write more, for whatever few of you are still reading. For those of you, thank you for hanging on.

I always have a hard time coming up with a topic after a long time away from writing, I think that is the reason I stay away so long. Its amazing where inspiration can come from.

What makes us brave? Or strong? Or more so what happens when that is taken away. Bravery comes in all different shapes and sizes. Its big and its little, its mighty and its weak.  Bravery is in the little gestures and overcoming small hurdles that feel like mountains. Its what gets us out of the bed when all we want to do is give in and give up. 

There are those who's battle between bravery and fear is a constant reality. Its a life where one moment you feel fine and the next your whole world is crumpling around you. It is like walking around like a ticking time bomb, just waiting for the smallest thing that can set us off. Imagine living your life in such a way that bravery was your only option. 

Those who live that life have survived only through a series of coping mechanisms mixed in with some embarrassing freak outs and uncomfortable attacks. Its not something anyone would want to experience, yet alone on a weekly or daily basis. Bravery isn't reserved for the hero's out there. It is regularly practised by the invisible and the quiet. Because without it they may not survive.