Wednesday, September 9, 2015

I could make you happy/I could make you love me/I could disappear completely/I could be your love song/I could be long gone

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Morning gentle viewers, I hope that this finds you happy and healthy and that life continues to take you to the places you dream of. Thanks as always for staying with me on this journey.

I will preposition this post by telling you I am a little touchy these passed few days and I have no doubt that that will bubble over into my writing. So this is my formal apology to you all. I hope you know I still love you all.

Life isn’t always rainbows and puppies and it’s often much more razors and barbed wire. It often doesn’t really show us the big plan until we are waist deep in it. No matter what it leaves us asking why we were put there in the first place.

I can put on a good front most of the time; I can keep my cool, look and sound like the most positive person alive and no one would know any different. People always come to me for advice or to vent and I am always the one to drop everything for them. I notice at the drop of a hat if something is wrong with them, if they have had a bad day or are upset. I give 110% to take care of them, even spend my own money on things that I know will make them feel better. I believe in chivalry, genuine caring and support. But what do I get in return? I am always the one to start conversations, lead the friendship and take care of things. If I don’t message first… radio silence. If I don’t go visit… its days if not weeks before I see them. What it comes down to is that when I need someone, no one is there. And I am tired of it. Every time I give a little of myself to someone it hurts all the more when they let me down. And every once and a while when someone comes along and I think, “Hey they might be different,” well they crash and burn into a fiery oblivion, taking a piece of my heart with them.      

Why do we continue to put ourselves out there only to be pummeled by the universe? What is the point of the pain and the disappointment we feel over and over again? I really wish I knew. I wish I understood what possesses me to care anymore. I just want to leave people to fend for themselves and see just how hard it actually is out there. And after all this I know the reality. I know that I am going to go right back to being their puppet the minute they throw a bone my way. I am inevitably going to continue to be their punching bag because atleast that means I have them around…. Pretty fucked up if you think about it.

So in the end I sit here angry and alone, really tired of all the bullshit. I hurt a lot of late and no one really looks passed the jokes and the forced smile. I kind of wish I was worth that atleast.

Later all. Hoping life is being a bit kinder to you right now.